Monday, October 31, 2005

Paying homage to the pasta




Here is the latest rabbi in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Where Are All These White Sox Fans Coming From?

I finally uncovered the mystery of why all these supporters of the White Sox have come out of the woodwork in the past 2 weeks. It seems there is a conversion requirement that isn't needed when you hail from a city that doesn't need to wait until the World Series to support the team. Take a gander at the application that must be filled out...

Cubs to White Sox Fan Conversion Form

Thank you for your interest in becoming a Chicago White Sox Fan. Due to an
unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan
conversion registrations for Chicago Cubs Fans. Conversion requests from
other teams will be accepted once all Cubs bandwagoners have been
processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based on our current
backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below. This will
help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to
assist you in your recovery from your previous fan experience.

Please print:

Name: ___________________
Address: ___________________
City, State, Zip: ___________________

1. Please indicate the last time you watched the Chicago Cubs win the
pennant:

( ) 1945 (please leave this form at your nursing home front desk)
( ) Have never witnessed this event

2. Please indicate your favorite moments in Cubs history:

( ) Carmen Fanzone trumpeting the National Anthem
( ) Lou Brock traded to the St. Louis Cardinals for Ernie Broglio in 1964
( ) The College of Coaches in the early 1960’s.
( ) Lee Smith grooving a fastball to Steve Garvey in Game 4 of the 1984 NLCS
( ) Brant Brown dropping a fly ball in 1998, which forced a 1 game playoff with the Giants
( ) Grounder goes between Leon Durham’s legs during Game 5 of the 1984 NLCS
( ) Fan Steve Bartman interfering with a foul ball during Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS
( ) Blowing up the “Bartman Ball” (should have been Alex Gonzalez’ mitt)
( ) Leo Durocher’s AWOL visit to his sons’ military school during the 1969 pennant chase
( ) A black cat running in front of Ron Santo during a critical 1969 series at Shea Stadium
( ) Future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux is not tendered an offer and signs with the Braves
( ) The Atlanta Braves, featuring Maddux, sweep Cubs out of the 1989 playoffs
( ) Don Young dropping a fly ball in 1969
( ) Cubs do not tender Mark Grace who signs with the Diamondbacks and wins a World Series
( ) Manager Lee Elia’s profanity filled tirade at the beginning of the 1983 season.
( ) Sammy Sosa suspended for using a corked bat, marked with a C, during the 2003 season
( ) Cubs blow an 8 game August lead and finish 8 games behind the 1969 Mets
( ) Cubs RP Dickie Noles drinks 24 Schlitz in the clubhouse, attacks Cincinnati police
( ) Michael Jordan’s 6th inning RBI double against the Cubs, April 7th, 1994.

3. Reasons you believe the Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908:
(check all that apply)

( ) The curse of the billy goat
( ) Lack of good managing
( ) The curse of the billy goat
( ) Lack of good pitching
( ) The curse of the billy goat
( ) Lack of good hitting
( ) The curse of the billy goat
( ) Lack of good defense
( ) The curse of the billy goat
( ) Poor umpiring
( ) The curse of the billy goat

4. Have you experienced any of the following after a Cubs loss?

( ) Headache
( ) Uncontrolled anger
( ) Heartache
( ) Holes punched in inanimate objects (doors, walls, etc.)
( ) Nausea
( ) Broken television sets
( ) Depression
( ) Altercations (verbal or physical) with White Sox fans


5. Is October your least favorite time of the year?

( ) Yes
( ) No


6. Are you tired of saying, “Wait ‘til next year.”?

( ) Yes
( ) No


7. Are you ready to admit that:

( ) Harold Baines was better than Keith Moreland
( ) John Garland is better than Matt Karchner
( ) Ozzie Guillen was better than Shawon Dunston…and his “o-meter”
( ) Ozzie Guillen is better than Dusty Baker
( ) The next cub century will be no better than the last
( ) The ivy in the outfield serves no purpose other than housing annoying pests


Once you have completed this form, please forward it to The Cell. Then you must burn all of your remaining Cubs clothing, memorabilia and associated team reminders. After reviewing your request, a neighboring White Sox fan will contact you with notification of your acceptance or rejection (most likely rejection).


I hereby renounce the Chicago Cubs for all eternity on this the ___day of
________,20___.

______________________
(Signed)

______________________
(Witnessed)


( ) Approved
( ) Declined

______________________
(Jerry Reinsdorf)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Netflix, I own you now

Thanks to Dave for finding this...

My Netflix info according to the analyzer:

Your results
You've rented 210 DVDs over 13 months from September 09, 2004 to October 13, 2005.
Your plan costs $17.99/month so you've paid $233.87 total.
Your average price per rental was approximately $1.11 each.
Average rental costs elsewhere are $4.50 each (not including late fees).
You've saved approximately $711.13 over your membership lifetime or $54.70 per month.
Here's some more about your renting habits...
You kept each rental for around 3 days on average.
The longest you kept a single DVD was 19 days: Fargo (1996).
You rented about 16 DVDs each month.
You're renting very close to the estimated limit for your plan of 19 DVDs each month.

My average would have been a lot better, but I kept Fargo for awhile waiting to watch it with Jen. My goal for 2005...19 per month!!!

Wanna Buy A Hotel Cheap?

So it looks like my place of employment won't be changing hands anytime soon. The owners were looking to get about 300 million George Washingtons for this place and had 2 potential buyers. Upon closer inspection of the building, it was found to have severe water damage and some of the exterior marble isn't as close to the building as the city would like. The price tag for this sort of repair runs about 100 million. This was enough to send both buyers running scared. Now it looks like my job is secure, but I was looking forward to the inevitable decision as whether to stay with the company or stay in Chicago. Now I'll just look for a new job to escape the hell that will be my good friend M's maternity leave. Until then, watch out for flying marble when walking on Pearson Street!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Worship the Pasta


While I was visiting my good friend K in Denver, we came across an ideal that could very well change our lives. In response of the Kansas board of education wanting to teach the theory of Intelligent Design, a new alternative has come up. The theory of all life was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster makes more sense than any of the other options out there. You be the judge and check it out.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Yugo Girl?


Last week, Zastava, the Serbian company that built the now-defunct Yugo, signed a deal to begin producing Fiats under license. The first step will be to rebuild Zastava's factory, which was bombed by NATO in 1999. A Fiat-Yugo alliance -- can you think of a worse conjunction of low quality? It's like saying you've invented a new food that combines Spam and corn husks. Anyway, it's a shame the Yugo went out of production just a few years too soon. If it was still around, the company could offer a model called the Girl.

203 Million Reasons To Be Happy

Being a typical Red Sox fan, I am happy not only when the Red Sox win. Any time the Yankees come up short, it also is cause for celebration. This isn't my fault. It's taught to us at a very early age. While other kids were learning how a bill becomes a law, we were learning the true evil that is Bucky Dent.

The bad news was my beloved Sox being ousted by the other sox in the playoffs. I take heart in knowing that not only did the Evil Empire fail to make it out of the first round, but they had a team that cost well over 200 million dollars to do that. At least now I can focus on what is important...football and hockey.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Happy Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day to all! I do enjoy a holiday that doesn't get in the way of me having to go to work. I guess the fact that we are celebrating somebody that "discovered" land that was already occupied says it all. I'm not even sure how to celebrate. Do we put 3 ships in the yard? Maybe we sink an Italian flag into the lawn. I'm not sure. They didn't cover this in school. Damn public school education. I curse you Brockton High!!

Tonight is going to be a treat. I'm heading over to a Katerina's for a showing of the 1993 classic, Dazed and Confused. I've been hit over the head with references of this movies in the past few days. I caught a rerun of SNL with Wooderson himself and then the Family Guy also parodied it. Seeing that they are playing the movie with a live concert featuring the soundtrack after the movie, I couldn't help myself.

Time to pretend to work now...

Friday, October 07, 2005

Happy Blogacatmas To All!


Thanks to Jen for pointing out this important day to me. Without any further adieu, I give you Electric Mayhem. Thanks to my good pal L for having such a great feline!